This blog is part two of a story. A story that starts in another blog....Trust me it will only make sense if you start at the beginning.
By reading:
As I walk……notes to my past self
Please click the link above to get started.
If you will follow the “GO TO’s” at the end of each post it will lead you back to this blog and you will be able to finish the story in the order it was intended, so as to get the full effect.
I hope you will read it and let me know what you think by leavening a comment at the end.
Thank You
Buster
The Awakening
I now believe in miracles, because I witness one first hand today.
Everyone had arrived last night except for my oldest son and Hope. The house was full, just like Dad liked it to be. We had made plans that regardless of when Dad actually passed we would have our celebration today. It was going to be a day of eating and enjoying being together and sharing stories about Dad. We just knew it would be as he wanted, but this morning our planes changed.
My brother and I were sitting around Dads bed talking; our wives and a few others had join us and we were just enjoying the quiet time with Dad (even though he was comatose). Then it happen, his eyes opened wide and he looked around at us all. I was completely shocked (because he never made eye contact before). Then he said: “Is this heaven?” I said; “no Dad its home”……. Then it dawn on me about how great it was to hear him talk, he is actually talking! We hugged; everyone took turns hugging him and he was carrying on a conversation with each one just like he used to before.
Everyone took turns going into the bed room and talking to Dad. He knew everyone by name and asked them all about things he remembered going on in there lives. He was back, he was my Dad again. Later after the shock wore off and everyone settled down a little my bothers and I talked to Dad. He began to tell us a story just like he used to when we were kids. I made the bad mistake of telling him we had heard it before and it upset him (I wished I had kept my mouth shut). He never did like being interrupted when he was telling a story (and I never learned to just shut up and listen). Fortunately an ice breaker came in the door about that time…Hope!
Hope and Dad were together again, it was like they picked up were they left off pretending in there own little way. She did not seem surprised at all that he was talking. She stayed right by him the rest of the day, and they talked and whispered to each other.
But then as the night came Dads mood began to change, and I feared his mind was drifting off again. He began to talk about Mom, like she was there with us. He said: “You’re Moms ready to go now, so I guess I better start saying goodbye to everyone”. His grand children, our wives and finely us brother took turns saying our fare well too him some how we just knew this was the only chance we would get. Dad took time to wipe each tear and tell them he would see them again soon. Just like he was going around the corner to the store and would be right back. Then Hope climbed up on the bed (as Dad looked off in the distance and said: “I’m coming Baby, I’ll be right there” just like he was talking to Mom). Hope hugged his neck and said: “Good bye Gran-B, I will see you later”. Then Dad said: “I love you Hope, remember what I said”. She nodded, climbed off the bed and walked into the next room like she was on a mission, all eyes were on her. We did not notice Dad slip away, but just like that he was gone.
My mind is spinning with all I have to do, but at least everyone is in town and we can do the services right away. One more unusual thing happened, but I would not say it is a miracle. Dad wrote one last page of notes between visits with everyone. Just as I was beginning to wonder what happen to them, my wife called me to the window and we saw Hope out in the back yard with a flash light and a can, she was burying it (her dad was helping). I guess that was what the whispering was about. She and Dad are still pretending.
This is the end of my days with dad, I am glad I got to share these last days with him, now we will lay him to rest, I just have to get in touch with the funeral home. As I was trying to call them the power went out and I lost service to the phone. I hope it comes back on soon………………….
Go to THE END
Everyone had arrived last night except for my oldest son and Hope. The house was full, just like Dad liked it to be. We had made plans that regardless of when Dad actually passed we would have our celebration today. It was going to be a day of eating and enjoying being together and sharing stories about Dad. We just knew it would be as he wanted, but this morning our planes changed.
My brother and I were sitting around Dads bed talking; our wives and a few others had join us and we were just enjoying the quiet time with Dad (even though he was comatose). Then it happen, his eyes opened wide and he looked around at us all. I was completely shocked (because he never made eye contact before). Then he said: “Is this heaven?” I said; “no Dad its home”……. Then it dawn on me about how great it was to hear him talk, he is actually talking! We hugged; everyone took turns hugging him and he was carrying on a conversation with each one just like he used to before.
Everyone took turns going into the bed room and talking to Dad. He knew everyone by name and asked them all about things he remembered going on in there lives. He was back, he was my Dad again. Later after the shock wore off and everyone settled down a little my bothers and I talked to Dad. He began to tell us a story just like he used to when we were kids. I made the bad mistake of telling him we had heard it before and it upset him (I wished I had kept my mouth shut). He never did like being interrupted when he was telling a story (and I never learned to just shut up and listen). Fortunately an ice breaker came in the door about that time…Hope!
Hope and Dad were together again, it was like they picked up were they left off pretending in there own little way. She did not seem surprised at all that he was talking. She stayed right by him the rest of the day, and they talked and whispered to each other.
But then as the night came Dads mood began to change, and I feared his mind was drifting off again. He began to talk about Mom, like she was there with us. He said: “You’re Moms ready to go now, so I guess I better start saying goodbye to everyone”. His grand children, our wives and finely us brother took turns saying our fare well too him some how we just knew this was the only chance we would get. Dad took time to wipe each tear and tell them he would see them again soon. Just like he was going around the corner to the store and would be right back. Then Hope climbed up on the bed (as Dad looked off in the distance and said: “I’m coming Baby, I’ll be right there” just like he was talking to Mom). Hope hugged his neck and said: “Good bye Gran-B, I will see you later”. Then Dad said: “I love you Hope, remember what I said”. She nodded, climbed off the bed and walked into the next room like she was on a mission, all eyes were on her. We did not notice Dad slip away, but just like that he was gone.
My mind is spinning with all I have to do, but at least everyone is in town and we can do the services right away. One more unusual thing happened, but I would not say it is a miracle. Dad wrote one last page of notes between visits with everyone. Just as I was beginning to wonder what happen to them, my wife called me to the window and we saw Hope out in the back yard with a flash light and a can, she was burying it (her dad was helping). I guess that was what the whispering was about. She and Dad are still pretending.
This is the end of my days with dad, I am glad I got to share these last days with him, now we will lay him to rest, I just have to get in touch with the funeral home. As I was trying to call them the power went out and I lost service to the phone. I hope it comes back on soon………………….
Go to THE END
Day 1110
Dad is not awake at all much any more, the Doctor says it could be any day now. The family all agreed to come home for the fare well party. Some have arrived already; the rest will be here soon. My son is bringing Hope, they should be here tomorrow. I don’t know how she will take all this, it will be her first time to be around death. My son said he explained it to her and she told him, “it will be alright daddy’ he is just going home like I told him to”. The wisdom of a child far exceeds that of an adult at times.
We will give him a good send off, I just wish he could really enjoy the party like he use to…..
Go to The Awakening
We will give him a good send off, I just wish he could really enjoy the party like he use to…..
Go to The Awakening
Day 1103
My brothers are here now and we take turns watching dad. He is in and out of consciousness most of the time. The Doctor says he will slip into a coma and that will be the last stage. My bother said we should have a reunion for dad and get everyone here that can come, so they can say good bye. Then we thought it would be a grate idea to have a going away party for him. Dad loved family parties and any way why should death be such a sad time, Dad is just going to the other side. So we all got on the phone to our families and started making arrangements, we would not take no for an answer.
I know it is too little to late, but it would be nice if this in some way would make up for the promise I broke. I promised her I would not leave him alone…..then we all agreed a caregiver would be better for him so I thought it would be okay. But that was not what mom wanted she wanted us to do the job and we….I failed. But Dad just slipped away after she died, he just was not here mentally and the Alzheimer’s took him further away. It has been 1103 day since she died and Dad went away, maybe soon they will be together again. They deserve that kind of Heaven.
Go to Day 1110
I know it is too little to late, but it would be nice if this in some way would make up for the promise I broke. I promised her I would not leave him alone…..then we all agreed a caregiver would be better for him so I thought it would be okay. But that was not what mom wanted she wanted us to do the job and we….I failed. But Dad just slipped away after she died, he just was not here mentally and the Alzheimer’s took him further away. It has been 1103 day since she died and Dad went away, maybe soon they will be together again. They deserve that kind of Heaven.
Go to Day 1110
Day 1097
Dad is in the bed all the time now. He sleeps a lot and when he is not sleeping he is writing like he has one last thing he must get down. I called the rest of the family to let them know it will not be long. My brother are making there way here so they can have some time with him before…..
Go to Day 1103
Go to Day 1103
Day 1091
Dad has stayed in the bed most of the day. He is getting weaker. The Doctor has confirmed the time is coming near. Dad writes most of the time and when he is not doing that he is looking out the window. I wonder what he is thinking; I wish I could understand what he is writing. Most of it make no since and the rest I can not read for his shaky handwriting. I know his head is hurting but he refuses to take his medication.
Go to Day 1097
Go to Day 1097
Day 1087
Dad has not been walking; it has been raining like crazy. So he sits in his chair and holds his head. I found blood on his shoulder he has been bleeding out of his ear. I called the Doctor and he told me to bring him in tomorrow. Dad hates Doctors so I dread going.
Go to Day 1091
Go to Day 1091
Day 1079
Dad is about the same but at least he is going outside again. He walks around the back yard like he has to get somewhere. I don’t think he is feeling good he keeps holding on to his head. Maybe the stress of Hope leavening was too much it may make things progress faster. I should bring him in but the Doctor said let him do what he feels like doing, he will sit down when he is tired.
I will never forget the day Hope left as long as I live. That morning she went to dad and told him she was leavening to go back home. He understood because he grabbed her and they hugged. He sat down in the floor and held her in his arm as she talked to him. She was trying to be the adult and explain why she had to go home as he listened. My wife and I were both in tears; we let them have all the time we could. So they sat there and she talked to him for what seemed like hours. I was listening in and thought the one side conversation was strange, but Hope has such an active imagination and they have lived in their own make believe world; so I put it all off to that. But then I heard her say; “you been alone enough now, it’s time to go home Gran-B, everything is alright now, just come home, we will all be waiting for you to come home”.
When hope walk out the door, Dad’s expression went back to the same blank expression I saw before, he was gone again. The life I saw in him when she was around was gone.
Go to Day 1087
I will never forget the day Hope left as long as I live. That morning she went to dad and told him she was leavening to go back home. He understood because he grabbed her and they hugged. He sat down in the floor and held her in his arm as she talked to him. She was trying to be the adult and explain why she had to go home as he listened. My wife and I were both in tears; we let them have all the time we could. So they sat there and she talked to him for what seemed like hours. I was listening in and thought the one side conversation was strange, but Hope has such an active imagination and they have lived in their own make believe world; so I put it all off to that. But then I heard her say; “you been alone enough now, it’s time to go home Gran-B, everything is alright now, just come home, we will all be waiting for you to come home”.
When hope walk out the door, Dad’s expression went back to the same blank expression I saw before, he was gone again. The life I saw in him when she was around was gone.
Go to Day 1087
Day 1075
I hate days like today. Hope is gone and Dad does nothing but sit and rocks back and forth. His lips are moving like he is praying, but he is not saying any thing I can hear. I knew this was going to be hard, I was not prepared for it being this hard. The day she left was the worst of all….I can not even write about it with out tearing up….
Go to Day 1079
Go to Day 1079
Day 1069
Hope and Dad played outside most of the day. She is very sad because she will be leaving in a few days to go back home. She is putting on a brave face for dad, he has no idea. They have become so close it is not going to be a good day when she leaves. I hope dad will understand he has been doing so good you would never guess……maybe the Doctor is wrong.
Go to Day 1075
Go to Day 1075
Day 1066
Today was a real treat for us all. They had a bluegrass band playing at a local venue so I took Dad and Hope. Dad always loved bluegrass; it was neat to see him pat his toe to the music. Hope enjoy it because Dad did I think. She spun around and danced to the music and everybody got a kick out of watching her. I looked over and saw dad smiling as he watched hope. She is the only one he will make eye contact with, the rest of us he ignores.
Go to Day 1069
Go to Day 1069
Day 1064
It is getting cooler so I am concerned about Hope and Dad spending so much time out side. He has been writing this afternoon and she has watched him as they sit under a tree. Later I saw them once again burying another can. That night after Dad fell asleep I ask Hope (as I was putting her to bed) if she knew what dad was writing. “Warnings to himself back then” she said with out blinking an eye. Oh okay “I said with my adult voice. Then I asked: “why do ya’ll bury them?” I was not ready for what she said next: “we put them in the ground so time will carry them away”. “Alright”; I said just like I understood. The mind of a child it a wondrous thing, how could she make up something like that, what an imagination.
Go to Day 1066
Go to Day 1066
Day 1060
It has been a very rainy week. Hope is miserable because she can not play out side. If she feels bad, dad feels bad. So they both have moped around the house. We also made the mistake of telling her that she will be going home soon. I hate to say it was a mistake because she wants to go home to see her mom and dad; and for a moment she was very happy about it. Then her face turn sad and she said “what about Gran-b”. I told her that I’m here to take care of him so she need not worry and that it was important that they enjoy their time together while it lasted. She look at me again and said; “but Garn-b’s my best friend what will I do with out him”. I did not know what to say to that, so I just hug her.
Later my wife and I turned our back once and the next thing we saw was them both out side dancing in the rain. By the time we saw it and got them back inside they were soaking wet. My wife fixed them some oatmeal to warm them up and I got fresh clothes. Honestly it’s just like having two kids in the house, only one of them is a lot bigger and harder to control. But I guess she was making the most of their time, just like we told her to do.
Go to Day 1064
Later my wife and I turned our back once and the next thing we saw was them both out side dancing in the rain. By the time we saw it and got them back inside they were soaking wet. My wife fixed them some oatmeal to warm them up and I got fresh clothes. Honestly it’s just like having two kids in the house, only one of them is a lot bigger and harder to control. But I guess she was making the most of their time, just like we told her to do.
Go to Day 1064
Day 1053
Dad and Hope have lost interest in playing town after the wind blew most of the boxes down. I ask Hope if she would like to camp out under the stars. Of course she asked if Gran-B could come too. She calls him that because my kids called him buster (it was dads nick name when he was a boy; I think paw-paw called him that). But anyway he wanted all his grandchildren to call him that, so they did. But Hope calls him the other because we told her he was her great garn-buster (in a half joking way). But she ran with it and shorten it to just Gran-b.
We camped out and told ghost stories and she fell asleep in dads arms. It was a good night for them both.
Go to Day 1060
We camped out and told ghost stories and she fell asleep in dads arms. It was a good night for them both.
Go to Day 1060
Day 1046
I took dad to the store with me, alone. I am trying to spend more time with him and my wife is spending more time with Hope. We are hoping this will help when the time comes.
Dad did not like being in the store, it was a little crowded. I guess it’s that time of year, back to school and all.
Go to Day 1053
Dad did not like being in the store, it was a little crowded. I guess it’s that time of year, back to school and all.
Go to Day 1053
Day 1039
Hope and Dad are playing bank today. She went to the bank with my wife and now she has set up a bank in the little make believe town they have in the back yard. Dad keeps knocking it down and Hope will try to set it up again. She finely looked at me and said; “why does he hate banks so much”? I shrugged my shoulder and said; “he’s not the only one right now honey, no body likes what the banks are doing”. She rolled her eyes and went on playing with dad.
Go to day 1046
Go to day 1046
Day 1033
Finely my wife and Hope have returned. I could not believe the reunion when Hope came through the door. I don’t know who missed each other more. My wife looked at them and then at me and said “you know we got a problem”. Of course she took the words right out of my mouth.
Go to Day 1039
Go to Day 1039
Day 1027
Dad woke up today and is not him self. He is pacing the floor and looking all over the house. Then it dawn on me, he is looking for Hope. My wife woke up early and took her to our house for a few days. She wanted to spend some time with her and go shopping and buy her a few things. Since we live close to the city about two hours away, she was not planning on coming back until the weekend.
I had no idea it would upset dad as much as it has. I may have to call them and get her to come back earlier. I don’t know what we are going to do with Dad when Hope goes home.
Go to Day 1033
I had no idea it would upset dad as much as it has. I may have to call them and get her to come back earlier. I don’t know what we are going to do with Dad when Hope goes home.
Go to Day 1033
Day 1025
Hope is playing town (as she calls it) with dad in the back yard. She has set up boxes and they are the houses and she has all kinds of pretend people living in the town. Dad just goes along with her. Hope likes to make up games she is not one to sit in front of the HI and watch programs or play games.
Dad was burying a can with notes in it again and hope was helping. Dad still writes these notes so I got him a spiral notebook after he used up the note pad. At night she will read to dad when I put him to bed. He will hang on her every word until he drops off to sleep. She has been the best thing for Dad, it’s like he is almost living again.
Go to Day 1027
Dad was burying a can with notes in it again and hope was helping. Dad still writes these notes so I got him a spiral notebook after he used up the note pad. At night she will read to dad when I put him to bed. He will hang on her every word until he drops off to sleep. She has been the best thing for Dad, it’s like he is almost living again.
Go to Day 1027
Day 1020
Dad and Hope spent the day in the back yard, just like they always do since her arrival. The walk and she talks (in fact she never stops talking) and he seems to listen to every word. Hope is every bit a little girl, she like to dress up and wear hats (she reminds me of her Great Grandmother except for her hair and eye color she has the same disposition).
Today they (or she wanted to get in the hot tube together). I have kept it maintain since the care giver said it was good for Dad and his back problems. But dad has not used it (or wanted to) much lately. They had a good time splashing around. Afterwards dad sat on the back porch as Hope skipped around the back yard.
Go to Day 1025
Today they (or she wanted to get in the hot tube together). I have kept it maintain since the care giver said it was good for Dad and his back problems. But dad has not used it (or wanted to) much lately. They had a good time splashing around. Afterwards dad sat on the back porch as Hope skipped around the back yard.
Go to Day 1025
Day 1014
The day finely arrived for my wife’s visit. My surprise was a pleasant one; she brought my granddaughter to visit. She is my sons little girl they live in Springfield IL. My wife went up to get her to keep her for awhile after her mom lost a baby they were expecting. She is very sad now because she misses her mom, but she seemed happy to see me. It will be nice to have the company and someone to talk to around the house.
Dad had only seen his great granddaughter when she was a baby, and it was when his condition was starting to get worst, so I don’t know if he remembers her, it’s been six years. Dad ignored my wife just as he does me but he seemed taken by the little arrival and she took to him. It was a strange thing to watch. She just walked over to him and hugged his leg and he looked down and made eye contact with her and she took his hand and he followed. We have watched in amazement as Hope talks to him and he listens, maybe she will be good for him. I told Hope “it’s good for you talk to him, but don’t get upset if he does not talk back”. Then she said the strangest thing “he does talk back Grand paw, he talks with his eyes, can’t you hear him?”
Go to Day 1020
Dad had only seen his great granddaughter when she was a baby, and it was when his condition was starting to get worst, so I don’t know if he remembers her, it’s been six years. Dad ignored my wife just as he does me but he seemed taken by the little arrival and she took to him. It was a strange thing to watch. She just walked over to him and hugged his leg and he looked down and made eye contact with her and she took his hand and he followed. We have watched in amazement as Hope talks to him and he listens, maybe she will be good for him. I told Hope “it’s good for you talk to him, but don’t get upset if he does not talk back”. Then she said the strangest thing “he does talk back Grand paw, he talks with his eyes, can’t you hear him?”
Go to Day 1020
Day 1009
We have had a lot of bad weather lately. They have reported flash floods in town. So dad is stuck inside and can not go out to play in the back yard. I know it sounds like I treat him as a child, but at times he is. He spends his days out in the back yard playing and walking around like he is in a fantasy world.
There are times I wish I could go to his world and visit. Maybe I could make up for the past three years if I did. We should have never left him with a stranger, but he was not himself. I made a promise I and the rest of us failed to keep. Maybe I can make up for it in some way the few months he has left.
I got a call today; my wife is coming for a visit and will stay for awhile. She says she has a surprise for me.
Go to Day 1014
There are times I wish I could go to his world and visit. Maybe I could make up for the past three years if I did. We should have never left him with a stranger, but he was not himself. I made a promise I and the rest of us failed to keep. Maybe I can make up for it in some way the few months he has left.
I got a call today; my wife is coming for a visit and will stay for awhile. She says she has a surprise for me.
Go to Day 1014
Day 1002
I found one of dad’s favorite TV shows from when he was a very little boy. It is an old western; I was able to play it on the HI in mono mode. He sat and watched it most of the day. Later in the day I found him digging in the back of the closet and he came out with a rifle. It was old and rusty but it looked kind of like the one in the western.
Dad cocks it several times and no bullets came out so I was pretty sure it was empty. I know very little about guns and it scares me that this thing was laying around. When dad sat it down for a moment I made sure there were not bullets in it and look around to make sure none were available to him. Dad took the gun out into the back yard and kept it with him the rest of the day. I don’t know if I should take it from him or not, maybe he will lose interest. It is pretty neat the way he spin cocks it, I’ve never seen that before.
Go to Day 1009
Dad cocks it several times and no bullets came out so I was pretty sure it was empty. I know very little about guns and it scares me that this thing was laying around. When dad sat it down for a moment I made sure there were not bullets in it and look around to make sure none were available to him. Dad took the gun out into the back yard and kept it with him the rest of the day. I don’t know if I should take it from him or not, maybe he will lose interest. It is pretty neat the way he spin cocks it, I’ve never seen that before.
Go to Day 1009
Day 998
I got the bright idea to take dad fishing. It was nothing we ever did when I was growing up; dad was always working and never took us fishing. But I found an old tackle box and a few poles and I thought what the heck it will pass the time.
We went up to the lake and dad seemed to know just what to do. He held on to the pole and fished right off the bank. Then a sudden storm came up and we had to leave when it started to rain. I took dad by the fast food fish place and got him some fish anyway, so he would eat something beside can stuff.
Go to Day 1002
We went up to the lake and dad seemed to know just what to do. He held on to the pole and fished right off the bank. Then a sudden storm came up and we had to leave when it started to rain. I took dad by the fast food fish place and got him some fish anyway, so he would eat something beside can stuff.
Go to Day 1002
Day 994
Dad has been real sick the last week, I don’t know if it was a cold or what. I thought about taking him to the Doctor, but he never ran a fever. He has not been eating much and when he does eat it has to come from a can. I think he is saving the cans for one of his secret burial services. I wish I knew what it was all about, but I tend to let him do his thing be cause every time I interfere he will get up set.
I was thinking about making him some pancakes in the morning like mom use to make. I never like them but he sure did. I think she made them with walnuts and whole wheat pancake mix. I remember he use to like to put melted butter and honey on them instead of syrup. It is a shame there is no honey any more.
Go to Day 998
I was thinking about making him some pancakes in the morning like mom use to make. I never like them but he sure did. I think she made them with walnuts and whole wheat pancake mix. I remember he use to like to put melted butter and honey on them instead of syrup. It is a shame there is no honey any more.
Go to Day 998
Day 986
Well for the last week dad has enjoyed playing with his toy planes. Then as luck would have it he dropped one and broke it. And just like that his interest was gone. It was like seeing a dream shattered a dream he once had.
Dad always wanted to fly ever since he was a boy. It was something he wanted to do for a living, but never got the training. He later took lessons and flew for awhile, but he could not afford it for long, he lost another job and had to quit.
I took him outside later but we had to come back in because the mosquitoes were eating him up.
Go to Day 994
Dad always wanted to fly ever since he was a boy. It was something he wanted to do for a living, but never got the training. He later took lessons and flew for awhile, but he could not afford it for long, he lost another job and had to quit.
I took him outside later but we had to come back in because the mosquitoes were eating him up.
Go to Day 994
Day 981
I got a great idea today I decided to take dad to the airport to watch the planes take off and land. When we got there he seemed to really perk up. We watched the aircraft most of the morning. I think he enjoyed it.
When we got home he took a new interest in his collection of die cast models of old airplanes. I even found him pretending to fly one around the room. He even made the noises like a little kid would. For a moment I thought I saw joy on his face.
Go to Day 986
When we got home he took a new interest in his collection of die cast models of old airplanes. I even found him pretending to fly one around the room. He even made the noises like a little kid would. For a moment I thought I saw joy on his face.
Go to Day 986
Day 977
I took dad up to the lake today. We spent most of the time sitting by the shore enjoying the view. Or I enjoyed it, dad mostly wrote in his pad. Later I was reading a paper and suddenly dad rip it from my hands. He was staring at this add on the back page. Then he tore it up and stomped it in the ground. As he was walking off I pick up the paper and caught up with him and took him home
Later that night after putting him to bed I felt in my pocket and found the newspaper. I don’t know what it was about that add that upset him so, it was just another one of those implant deals being advertised.
Go to Day 981
Later that night after putting him to bed I felt in my pocket and found the newspaper. I don’t know what it was about that add that upset him so, it was just another one of those implant deals being advertised.
Go to Day 981
Day 974
A sad day. Today was mom and dad adversary. I don’t know how, but dad seemed to know (I don’t understand it because he is always so distant). He spent the day staring at her picture; I think it was one he took not long after they were first married.
He later went out in the back yard and sat were they use to drink coffee in the mornings. He watched the humming bird feeder as the birds came to feed. Later when he came in I turn on the HI and ran some of the old videos of the family. Then I played some of the trips that mom and dad took in later years.
I walk out of the room and when I came back in dad had the HI paused with mom in the center of the frame. He was trying to hug the holographic image of her. It was more than I could stand. I pulled him away and turn it off. His face went blank and he was off in his mine once again. He wrote on his pad the rest of the night and then I put him to bed.
Go to Day 977
He later went out in the back yard and sat were they use to drink coffee in the mornings. He watched the humming bird feeder as the birds came to feed. Later when he came in I turn on the HI and ran some of the old videos of the family. Then I played some of the trips that mom and dad took in later years.
I walk out of the room and when I came back in dad had the HI paused with mom in the center of the frame. He was trying to hug the holographic image of her. It was more than I could stand. I pulled him away and turn it off. His face went blank and he was off in his mine once again. He wrote on his pad the rest of the night and then I put him to bed.
Go to Day 977
Day 970
Today we drove into town and just walked around the square. The walk through the stores seemed to do dad some good. After coming back home dad help me fix the afternoon meal. I think he liked working in the kitchen again, he use to enjoy cooking.
Later though dad was back to his same odd behavior. A friend of mine came over for a visit and dad treated him like he had the plague, it was if he posed a treat of some kind. Any way dad acted relived when he left. Now I feel like I can not have anyone over with out causing a problem. I miss my family; I wish I could go home. But this is more important and I promised Mom.
Go to Day 974
Later though dad was back to his same odd behavior. A friend of mine came over for a visit and dad treated him like he had the plague, it was if he posed a treat of some kind. Any way dad acted relived when he left. Now I feel like I can not have anyone over with out causing a problem. I miss my family; I wish I could go home. But this is more important and I promised Mom.
Go to Day 974
Day 967
Dad will not eat anything, every time I offer him something he just looks off into the distance. I hope he will eat soon or I will have to call the Doctor. He still has this aversion to anything that has to do with electricity. I just don’t know what to think.
He sat in his recliner most of the day and then went around the house turning stuff on and off. He would look at what ever appliance he was turning on like he did no get the response he wanted. Very strange. He finely went back and took a nap in the recliner after he wrote for a time. But he woke up screaming, it nearly scared me to death. I hope the neighbors did not hear.
Later that day dad went into the back yard; I kept an eye on him from the window I like to see what he is up to with out hovering over him. He went around the corner and came back with a can (out of the garbage) and a garden thrall, then preceded to bury the can. I just watched, I found if I disturb him in one of his strange acts, he get very disorientated and upset.
Go to day 970
He sat in his recliner most of the day and then went around the house turning stuff on and off. He would look at what ever appliance he was turning on like he did no get the response he wanted. Very strange. He finely went back and took a nap in the recliner after he wrote for a time. But he woke up screaming, it nearly scared me to death. I hope the neighbors did not hear.
Later that day dad went into the back yard; I kept an eye on him from the window I like to see what he is up to with out hovering over him. He went around the corner and came back with a can (out of the garbage) and a garden thrall, then preceded to bury the can. I just watched, I found if I disturb him in one of his strange acts, he get very disorientated and upset.
Go to day 970
Day 963
A strange day, Dad spent most of the day in his room in the dark. When I tried to turn on the light he would turn it back off. I don’t know what has gotten into him. He used to like to watch old TV shows on the HI but I can not get him interested in that either. And for some reason he has developed a dislike for the home computer. Dad use to be very techno savvy but now he will have nothing to do with it.
His personality has change so much, it is hard to describe. Of coarse he never talks so you don’t know what he is thinking at any given time. He treats me for the most part like I am completely invisible and that is the hardest thing of all.
Go to day 967
His personality has change so much, it is hard to describe. Of coarse he never talks so you don’t know what he is thinking at any given time. He treats me for the most part like I am completely invisible and that is the hardest thing of all.
Go to day 967
Day 959
Dad spent most of the morning staring out the window at the rain. He did a lot of writing today. At one point I looked over his shoulder and saw he was drawing a peace symbol over and over again. I looked far back into Dad’s closet and found his old walking stick, he use to take it on hikes and camping. The tarnished peace symbol was still on it; I dusted it off and gave it to Dad. A light seem to turn on in his eyes when he saw it.
Later I was in the kitchen putting up the dishes from the washer and heard the back door slam. Here we go again I thought, but at least it goes into the fence in back yard. When I got to the door I saw dad walking around in the pouring rain using his walking stick. I saw him smile as he would look straight up and let the rain hit his face. I began to laugh as I watch him parade around the back yard in the rain. If it makes him happy why not, so I join him and we both got soaking wet.
Go to Day 963
Later I was in the kitchen putting up the dishes from the washer and heard the back door slam. Here we go again I thought, but at least it goes into the fence in back yard. When I got to the door I saw dad walking around in the pouring rain using his walking stick. I saw him smile as he would look straight up and let the rain hit his face. I began to laugh as I watch him parade around the back yard in the rain. If it makes him happy why not, so I join him and we both got soaking wet.
Go to Day 963
Day 956
Dad never gets many visitor he had very few friends. He was not one to socialize or go out with buddies, he spent all his free time with Mom; they had that kind of marriage they were each others best friend. I learn a lot from them about marriage, how you stick it out and put time into being together instead of finding friends and hobbies so you spend time apart. But still I think they should have had more friends to do stuff with, but people now a days spend all there time at home in there own self absorbed life.
But today we got some visitors, it was a missionary coupled from the church. They were visiting people on the church role that are shut-ins to explain about there mission. We (or I) listen as they made their speech and the showed some pictures of their past trips. Dad seems enthralled by it all. Towards the end of there visit, I told them I would be glad to help. Then Dad showed up with a paper bag of can’s and tried to give it to them. They were polite and took the bag from him then he wander off into the back of the house. I explain to them about Dad’s condition and of course they understood. As they were leavening I ask them about there accent and found out they are both from Canada. I stood on the front porch and watch as they rode off on their two set bicycle (don’t see them much any more).
Go to Day 959
But today we got some visitors, it was a missionary coupled from the church. They were visiting people on the church role that are shut-ins to explain about there mission. We (or I) listen as they made their speech and the showed some pictures of their past trips. Dad seems enthralled by it all. Towards the end of there visit, I told them I would be glad to help. Then Dad showed up with a paper bag of can’s and tried to give it to them. They were polite and took the bag from him then he wander off into the back of the house. I explain to them about Dad’s condition and of course they understood. As they were leavening I ask them about there accent and found out they are both from Canada. I stood on the front porch and watch as they rode off on their two set bicycle (don’t see them much any more).
Go to Day 959
Day 952
Another mistake. Dad gets around pretty good, he is able to walk and go anywhere. I take him to the store with me and as long as I keep and eye on him so he does not wander off, I have very little trouble with him. He seems to enjoy the out doors so much. So I had the bright idea to take him to church, big mistake. He was fine when we got out of the car and was fine walking up the steps, but when we got inside and was looking for a seat among the pews, he froze. I could not get him to budge forward. The only way I could get him to move was if we walked backwards. When I got him back outside, he was better, but he broke out into a cold sweat. Once I assured everyone he was okay, I took him home. Now I know and will never try that again.
I wish I knew what went on in that mind of his, I wish he would talk. I miss talking to him. He was a strange and moody person at times, but I enjoyed our talks. Sometime they were serious talks and some time they were just silly and we would laugh, boy did we laugh. If I never learned much from him, I learned how to laugh and look to the funny side of life. That is why I hate to see him with the serious look on his face as he stairs into nothingness.
Go to Day 956
I wish I knew what went on in that mind of his, I wish he would talk. I miss talking to him. He was a strange and moody person at times, but I enjoyed our talks. Sometime they were serious talks and some time they were just silly and we would laugh, boy did we laugh. If I never learned much from him, I learned how to laugh and look to the funny side of life. That is why I hate to see him with the serious look on his face as he stairs into nothingness.
Go to Day 956
day 949
Not a good day! I went in to check on dad when I got up this morning and he was gone. I searched around the house and could not find him, and then I saw the door was not closed all the way. I went out side; he was not in the back yard. I started searching the neighborhood, but tried not to cause a scene. If the police got involved it might led to them taking him away or forcing the family to put him in a home.
I started searching in a circle pattern from the house, making each circle bigger until I found a clue. I found a slipper by the creek. I followed the creek until I came to the bridge that goes over it. He was there asleep under the bridge. As he was laying there I thought for a moment……..but he was only sleeping. When I woke him, the look of panic in his eyes was terrifying. It was like he was somewhere else and I woke him from a nightmare. I will never forget that look. I stood him up and a spoon fell from his hand, it looked as if he tried to burry this can with some of his pad paper in it; why would he do that, very strange. I left the can in the hole and kick some dirt over it. I got him back home sat him in his chair and locked the doors. He spent the rest of the day staring out the window.
Go to Day 952
I started searching in a circle pattern from the house, making each circle bigger until I found a clue. I found a slipper by the creek. I followed the creek until I came to the bridge that goes over it. He was there asleep under the bridge. As he was laying there I thought for a moment……..but he was only sleeping. When I woke him, the look of panic in his eyes was terrifying. It was like he was somewhere else and I woke him from a nightmare. I will never forget that look. I stood him up and a spoon fell from his hand, it looked as if he tried to burry this can with some of his pad paper in it; why would he do that, very strange. I left the can in the hole and kick some dirt over it. I got him back home sat him in his chair and locked the doors. He spent the rest of the day staring out the window.
Go to Day 952
Day 947
The need to wander is strong in dad. I see now what the caregiver was talking about, you have to watch him all the time or he will wander off. Today I turn my back and he was out the door. But fortunately he just went into the back yard and sat under a tree and scribbled on his pad. I wish I could read what he thinks he is writing.
Today I found those old home movies that paw paw took when dad was a kid. It is good we had them converted to HGI, I think maybe it is the forth format they have been upgraded to. I brought him back inside later (I let him sit out there for most of the day, I saw no harm in it) and sat him down in front of the HI and let him watch them. He seemed to like the ones about the trips they use to take. There is no sound and they are kind of boring to me, except I do like looking at all the old stuff and cars.
Go to Day 949
Today I found those old home movies that paw paw took when dad was a kid. It is good we had them converted to HGI, I think maybe it is the forth format they have been upgraded to. I brought him back inside later (I let him sit out there for most of the day, I saw no harm in it) and sat him down in front of the HI and let him watch them. He seemed to like the ones about the trips they use to take. There is no sound and they are kind of boring to me, except I do like looking at all the old stuff and cars.
Go to Day 949
Day 945
It has been almost three years since Dad became so introverted, he never talks anymore he just stairs. His gaze looks so far off; I often wonder what he is thinking what goes on in his mind. I am thankful for the time off, this leave of absent will give me; time to take care of him and spend time with him, even though he is not here with me mentally. I thought I would keep a diary of our last days together. I can’t believe I just wrote that….. But it is a fact I have to come to terms with.
Today he exhibited a strange behavior. He picked up a pad and pencil as I was walking him passed the desk in the den. He kept it with him the rest of the day and wrote on it. Mostly scribbling, I could not make it out; I never could read his hand writing. But it seems to keep him occupied.
Go to Day 947
Today he exhibited a strange behavior. He picked up a pad and pencil as I was walking him passed the desk in the den. He kept it with him the rest of the day and wrote on it. Mostly scribbling, I could not make it out; I never could read his hand writing. But it seems to keep him occupied.
Go to Day 947
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